BobTanney.com

Impress Strangers Using the Magic of Dishonesty! Some of you younger guys out there may not know this but in a not-so-long-ago time, no one walked around with a computer (that you affectionately call a smartphone) in their pocket or purse.  This enchanted disconnectedness rendered your fibs, misquotes and straight up boldfaced lies impervious to the ‘Fact-check’ Fran’s and ‘I’m calling bullshit’ Brian’s of today.  Want to skew a sports statistic to win a bet with a friend?  Sure!  Confusing a Winston Churchill quote with a Donald Duck tag line? We’ll never know. Heck maybe you’re just ignorant and actually think it was Gary Busey who stared in 48 Hours instead of Nick Nolte.  If you argued louder and more passionately than everyone else in the room then there was nothing we could do but take your word for it.   Now that you’ve had a peek in to this chaotic abyss that the rest of us simply call the 90’s and before; you can probably deduce t...

"Please leave a voicemail"  Finding Mr. right can be like searching for a piece of hay in a needle stack, in some cases a used hypodermic needle stack at that.   We’re not telling you anything you don’t know, ladies.   Guys are gross and trying to find one that is husband material is a full-time job that pays shit and offers little other rewards.   This is why most women end up marring a bum and spending the rest of their life trying to overcompensate by falsifying happiness to their friends and family on Facebook and Pinterest.    Below are 5 red flags and bad behavior that men display that that are problematic to a relationship.   If you answer ‘yes’ to some or all of the below questions, then chances are you are wasting your time with someone who is not good for you and could be hindering your growth as a human being.   You’d better break up with them now instead of prolonging the pain.   Tell him an internet quiz motivated ...

This will make him love me.  In this day and age of swiping left and Ashley Madison leaks, it’s damn near impossible to forge a happy and healthy relationship.   For that reason so many people spend their time with subpar partners.   Sure consistent sex and someone to brunch with on Sunday is great, but at what cost?   Why waste your time with someone who isn’t right for you.    Below are five red flags that some women display that that are problematic to a relationship.   If you answer ‘yes’ to some or all of the below questions, then chances are you are wasting your time with someone who is not good for you and could be hindering your growth as a human being.   You’d better break up with them now instead of prolonging the pain.   Tell her an internet quiz motivated you to end it, she’ll understand.   1) Does she try to sleep with all of your friends and relatives?   This is a rather annoying tactic of som...

A gentleman is always on the clock.  There are literally thousands of lists out there trying to tell modern day men how to look, sound and act like a gentleman.  The only problem is 99% of these lists are written by women or nerds whose idea of what it even means to be a gentleman is some confused ideal they’ve manifested in-between having little to no life experiences and binge-watching Mad Men and Suits in their cat filled apartments.  The clichéd garbage churned out in these articles is so basic that any boy who ever had a dad, or friend, or ever saw a movie in their life would have figured this crap out before they were 12.  Well, not to worry men, this isn’t one of those lists.   We’ve polled numerous athletes, celebrities, men of leisure and business superstars to put together this quintessential guideline to being not just a gentleman, but the radliest of all the modern-day gentlemen.   These are the 37 ways to be the Radliest of Moder...

RING THE DAMN BELL!!! Dead Wrestlers have saved the day and just kickstarted your dormant springtime with the ludicrous new banger “Quarantine Theme (Speaking Moist)” available on, Youtube and at www.deadwrestlersmusic.com .   The headbanging, gut-busting new single is a masterstroke that adds a dash of outlaw music to classic hip hop and is exactly what the world needs right now.   Quarantined and isolated in the Dead Wrestler Dungeon, the crew has musically brought to life the alternative reality of solitary confinement.   Let’s hope that the Wrestler’s fictitious song about fleeing to freedom remains entertainment and never comes to fruition.   The “Quarantine Theme (Speaking Moist)” video has already gone viral in underground circles and is now available on Youtube for a limited time.   Written by Bob Tanney AKA A Succulent Chinese Meal 

Quarantine Tales You Won’t Believe Mirage Vs. Aero Bubbles of Nuttin!  As the world reels from the deadly COVID-19 epidemic citizens are doing their best to remain indoors and limit person to person interactions.   The self-imposed isolation will hopefully slow down and limit the number of infected people.   It’s also making for a wide array of silly, bizarre and random ass situations of absurdities that seem to arise when roommates, friends, relatives, spouses and loved ones are stuck in captivity together for any extended period of time. The average person is spending this seclusion period streaming idiotic true crime docuseries, surfing internet skin flicks, touching themselves where they pee and snacking on so much junk food that by the time the Coronavirus has passed, they’re going to be COVID-LY-OBESE.   Others are spending the time straight up warring with the people they used to love the most. One couple in Sherwood Park Alberta who ha...

Your Expat Australian/Irish/English Acquaintance Who Takes Way Too Much Liberty with the Word Cunt. We get it mate, you’re Australian, or Irish, or British, or whatever the fuck, none of us can really tell or actually give a shit (your weird accents all sound the same to us North Americans).   We understand that the word ‘cunt’ doesn’t pack the same punch to your people as it does to the pussified, PCtards of the new world.   Initially we liked that about you.   That one time we got drunk at that dive bar with you was fun.   The way the uppity hipster bartender looked at you when you said “less ice next time ya cunt!”   It was great!   And then the way the word rolled off your tongue a few more times in the evening seemed to actually fit the mood of the conversations.   But now dude, you’re going way too overboard with it.   We’ve been “friends” on Facebook for like 3 years and every 2 nd status update includes the word cunt.   We...

From An Obnoxious New First Time Mother It is no secret that something changes in a woman when they become a mother for the first time, and not all new mothers react in the same way.   Some women are overcome with a divine sense of patience and tolerance towards not just their child, but every living creature on God’s now greener than ever Earth.   Others act like insufferably colossal bitches to every single human being they encounter.   Here are four apology letters from one of those exact obnoxious new moms who seems to have seen the error of her ways… Sort of.   To motorists that I have death-glared, I know for the most part your only crime was driving a few miles over the speed limit or perhaps not approaching the cross walk that my new child and I were crossing as slow as I am comfortable with.   Perhaps my full on evil-eyed death glare and visible mouthing of the words “W. T. F.” to you was a little uncalled for.   You must understan...

Game Changer If I have to hear one more person use ‘game changer’ to describe something that has nothing to do with a game or a change I am going to puke on my own face.   This phrase used to be rightfully relegated to sports, used for example, to describe a pick six in football or a 4-point play in basketball.   Then the phrase began making its way in to ads to try and sell everything from cars to tampons.   Then it must have been used in a Sex and the City movie or something because now every basic chick on the planet uses the phrase to describe her new boyfriend.   News flash ladies, he’s not a game changer, he’s a loser you met on Tinder who is going to start phasing you out as soon as the sex becomes boring or a prettier girl swipes right.     Random This word has been overused since the early 2000’s when everyone on the planet decided to adopt it as the key adjective used to describe their personality.   It is also used routinely by...