Is She the Right Woman for You?

This will make him love me. 

In this day and age of swiping left and Ashley Madison leaks, it’s damn near impossible to forge a happy and healthy relationship.  For that reason so many people spend their time with subpar partners.  Sure consistent sex and someone to brunch with on Sunday is great, but at what cost?  Why waste your time with someone who isn’t right for you.  

Below are five red flags that some women display that that are problematic to a relationship.  If you answer ‘yes’ to some or all of the below questions, then chances are you are wasting your time with someone who is not good for you and could be hindering your growth as a human being. 

You’d better break up with them now instead of prolonging the pain.  Tell her an internet quiz motivated you to end it, she’ll understand. 

1) Does she try to sleep with all of your friends and relatives? 

This is a rather annoying tactic of some girlfriends.  Whether it’s kissing your best friend behind your back at a New Year’s party or macking on your granddad at Thanksgiving dinner, it’s equally as troubling and can strain any relationship.  Usually girls who behave like this have deeper underlying medical issues like Hypersexuality caused by Schizophrenia or straight up Hoe-bag Sluttieness.  Either way it’s a problem you don’t have time for and you’re better off to remove yourself from the scene and allow her to organically find her way to the angst ridden career as a stripper that the fates have had in store for her since her father made that long trip to the store for smokes when she was 7 and never returned. 

2) Does she burn your stuff?

This is an all too frequent event for young men in our society now a days.  You come home one day only to find your apartment and half of your property engulfed in flames because the drama queen you’re dating doesn’t know how to use her words.  And you thought it would be fun to date an actress/waitress.  The funny thing about the actress/waitress girlfriend is that her paycheck would suggest that in reality she is more waitress and less actress but her ability to be a complete self-centered asshole suggests the opposite.  Call 911, grab a fire extinguisher and then sit her down for the long break up talk.  Expect lots of tears because, you know, actress.  Also do it in a crowded place, burners are also usually punchers so you could need witnesses, and you never know, there might be an agent in the restaurant that discovers her, or at least a help wanted sign on the bar, either way you’re going out with her best interests in mind.  Good for you, good guy. 

3) Does she continually attempt suicide while on the phone or facetime chat with you?

The cry for help loses some luster after the first facetime wrist slit or the 2^nd attempt at an overdose while on the phone with you, but it is still a major roadblock on the path to a fruitful relationship.  Grandpa Dave probably never had to deal with Grandma Florence ringing him up just to tell him she’s swallowed a full bottle of Barbiturates in an annoying ploy for attention, so why should you?! Don’t let her stupidity translate into your guilt.  Her misconceived notion of feeling unwanted by you is no reason to throw herself off a bridge so don’t allow her to suck you into her vortex on this one.  If she doesn’t know how conversations work and would rather address her issues in this manner than you have no need for her.  The next time she calls, don’t answer.  In fact lose her number.  She’ll find someone new to torment soon enough.  Or she’ll kill herself.  Either way you’re single again, so, problem solved.  (High five!)

4) Does she lie about having terminal illnesses?

Sometimes girlfriends can sense when you are thinking about dumping them, and sometimes bad girlfriends will lie about having a terminal illness so that you stay with them.  No one wants to be the guy who dumped his GF the same week she got brain cancer.  Try putting that on a tinder profile.  Your only defense for this is due diligence.  If your GF springs some incurable disease news on you then force her to get a 2^nd opinion, and attend every meeting with the new doctor.  It will look like you really care AND you’ll be covering your ass against crazy. 

5) Does she show up to your house unannounced when your wife is home?

This is a surefire sign of a bad girlfriend.  What part of “side-chick” doesn’t she understand!?  Sure you can’t stand your wife and find her gross and you tell your GF this all the time, but she is still the mother of your 4 unbearably annoying children and she deserves some respect, goddamnit.  The last thing your Mrs. needs is to see your GF on the front lawn chatting it up with your oldest.  And the last thing you need is to have to hear about it for the next month.  Do everyone a favor and just dump little miss pop-in before she learns your real address next time. 

Written by Dr. BJ Picklebottom AKA Kirstie Alley's Dietitian During the Obese Years.