An Open Letter of Apology to Everyone I’ve been a Complete Bitch to Lately.
From An Obnoxious New First Time Mother
To my single friends who I have been belittling lately,
It is no secret that something changes in a woman when they
become a mother for the first time, and not all new mothers react in the same way. Some women are overcome with a divine sense
of patience and tolerance towards not just their child, but every living
creature on God’s now greener than ever Earth.
Others act like insufferably colossal bitches to every single human
being they encounter. Here are four
apology letters from one of those exact obnoxious new moms who seems to have
seen the error of her ways… Sort of.
To motorists that I have death-glared,
I know for the most part your only crime was driving a few
miles over the speed limit or perhaps not approaching the cross walk that my
new child and I were crossing as slow as I am comfortable with. Perhaps my full on evil-eyed death glare and
visible mouthing of the words “W. T. F.” to you was a little uncalled for. You must understand however, this is just my
maternal ‘mama bear’ instinct kicking in.
It’s natural for me in the postnatal period to wish violent death upon
everyone except my child and me. So
please in the future, for everyone’s sake, if you are driving and you see a
woman pushing a stroller on the sidewalk or a car with a ‘baby on board’
sticker, please just do the right thing and pull off to the side of the road
with your emergency four way blinkers on until she has passed out of site. You don’t own the road and you are NOT a new
mother.
Sincerely yours,
An Obnoxious New Mom
To the pedestrians I run off the sidewalk with my oversized
baby stroller,
I hate to be a bitch about it, but I AM a new mother, so I
do own the sidewalk, you can walk in the street or on the soggy grass for a few
measly feet. And yes, I did have to
choose the ‘monster truck’ model of stroller that takes up a full
sidewalk lane. This is my first child
and I really want to ingrain an overinflated sense of self entitlement into her
from the very beginning. Sure the
stroller my mother used for me was tiny in comparison and folded up even
smaller so she didn’t need the help of 3 hulking men to load it onto a
city bus, but that was the 1980’s, and parents were stupid back then. SUV sized strollers are a necessity now a
days so please, in the future, if we are on the same sidewalk, be a
gentleman/woman and either dart out into the street or simply laydown as flat
as possible to allow us to safely roll over top of you and be on our way so
that I don’t have to give you dirty looks and curse obscenities at you under my
breath when you brush up against my baby’s stroller as I sandwich you against a
street sign poll.
Sincerely yours,
An Obnoxious New Mom
To every waitress that’s waited on me lately,
I understand completely that you work at a ‘Resto
Gastrolounge Bar’ and your ownership originally gave no thought to customers
with small babies and toddlers, and they probably even consciously declined to
equip your restaurant with things like highchairs and chicken fingers on the
menu. Sure a lot of my parental
counterparts take their young ones to family friendly establishments, but the
truth is that most of those well-known chain restaurants don’t accommodate my
self-diagnosed gluten sensitivity, and besides, your cilantro aioli arugula
salad is to die for. So I will continue
to frequent your restaurant and I will continue to give you a hard time when
your child-unfriendly atmosphere leads to slight inconveniences for my
family. Oh and also, I’ll admit that
the only thing keeping me from completely whoring-up my own wardrobe isn’t a
newfound sense of motherly propriety, but instead, the extra baby weight that I
simply can’t kick, but that low-cut dress that you wear to work… I find it
completely inappropriate and I’ve already written another email to your manager
about it. You should be ashamed. My
children eat here!!
Sincerely yours,
An Obnoxious New Mom 
I am sorry that I
have been crapping all over your accomplishments recently. Sure, being the first female CEO of your
fortune 500 company is nice and the pictures from your ‘Voluntourism’ trip to
build schools in the 3rd world were kind of cool. But I am sick and tired of people
congratulating you on that stuff like it is some sort of big achievement. I mean it’s not like you gave birth to a baby
for Christ’s sake! Last week my baby
crawled for the first time and yet when we met for brunch all you wanted to
discuss was your dating issues with your current boyfriend. He hasn’t even proposed or knocked you up
yet! Why the Hell would you even bring
up his name in our conversation?! It is
things like this that show just how selfish you are sometimes and you don’t
even realize it. It’s ok though, I know
that once you have a baby of your own you’ll realize how much of a cow you’ve
been to me lately and how empty your life is.
Sincerely yours,
An Obnoxious New Mom. 
