How to be the Radliest of Modern-day Gentleman
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| A gentleman is always on the clock. |
There are literally thousands of lists out there trying to tell modern day men how to look, sound and act like a gentleman. The only problem is 99% of these lists are written by women or nerds whose idea of what it even means to be a gentleman is some confused ideal they’ve manifested in-between having little to no life experiences and binge-watching Mad Men and Suits in their cat filled apartments. The clichéd garbage churned out in these articles is so basic that any boy who ever had a dad, or friend, or ever saw a movie in their life would have figured this crap out before they were 12.
Well, not to worry men, this isn’t one of those lists. We’ve polled numerous athletes, celebrities,
men of leisure and business superstars to put together this quintessential guideline
to being not just a gentleman, but the radliest of all the modern-day gentlemen.
These are the 37 ways
to be the Radliest of Modern-day Gentleman
1) Always carry cash on you in your front right pocket with
at least 20 single one dollar bills.
Whether at a Gentleman’s club or a grocery store, a true gentleman can always
make it rain when the situation arises.
2) A true gentleman finds an excuse to make it rain no less than 4 times per week.
3) Always have other people’s business cards with you and
give them to annoying people. You’re a
gentleman and shouldn’t have to deal with annoying people, that’s a job for
others.
4) Buy a snow blower, shoveling is for kids.
5) Snow blow the driveway for old lady neighbors, but only
if you think gran-gran will repay you with some dirty, dirty old sex.
6) Always keep a nudie magazine or two stashed away for a
rainy day. The truest of gentleman
shan’t rely solely on technology.
7) Always party on someone else’s boat. Your boat is for living.
8) Dead-fish handshakes are a great way to convey to those
you meet that despite the societal programmed pleasantries coming out of your
mouth, you in reality, aren’t thrilled to meet them and couldn’t give an actual
fuck what part of the country they’re from.
9) Try to avoid shaking hands as much as possible. Anyone who puts a huge onus on handshake etiquette
is old and soon to be obsolete or is a big dirt who cares way too much about
their misplaced ideas on respect.
10) Whenever someone asks you to “Say hello” to someone for
them. Don’t do it. You are not a greetings and salutations
delivery man.
11) Never post television spoilers on your social media
pages. Unless it’s for reality TV shows,
because of course, horse shit can’t spoil.
12) Learn to speak in at least two foreign accents
well. This could save your life one
day. Or at least make your friends
laugh.
13) Learn to lie well at a young age.
14) Make your loved ones think you are bad at lying.
15) Take many secrets to the grave with you.
16) Never shave your face with an electric razor unless of
course you are driving.
17) Your level of accepted chauvinism by females correlates directly
with your level of good looks and charm.
18) Try to avoid eye contact with crazy people on public
transit. A connected gaze will lead to
long uninvited conversations.
19) If a crazy person does begin conversing with you on
public transit do not ignore them. Even after the initial humor of their
content wears off and they become annoying.
For that is when the true jewels are sprinkled in amongst the
nonsensical ramblings.
20) If you find a good hair product, buy it in bulk. The same goes for lip balm.
21) Use Kleenex, but begrudgingly and only because it beats
blowing your nose in toilet paper.
22) Never buy no name Q-tips, you’re better than that.
23) If one must marry then one must aim to do it later in
life but well before any signs of decrepitude start to show. No one wants to marry old balls. And of
course, whenever possible, only marry to further your own socioeconomic status.
24) If you must marry in this day and age, don’t, it’s the
21st century, evolve already…. But if you must, elope. Big wedding celebrations are self-organized lifetime
achievement awards for people with no talent.
25) The only men who get a pass on rocking a bowtie are
members of the Nation of Islam, men over 65, actual scientists and Pee Wee
Herman.
26) The only men who get a pass on rocking suspenders are No
One! Suspenders were rendered obsolete
the day belt technology was created.
27) The choice between crutches or a cane is not a choice at
all. Always pick the cane.
28) Always carry a lighter, you never know when you’ll need
to light a pretty girl’s cigarette, or set a sleeping hobo’s socks on fire.
29) A true gentleman always makes time for gentlemanly
pranks (See lighter/hobo-socks prank above).
30) If it takes longer to do maintenance and upkeep on your
beard than it would take you to actually shave every morning then it’s time to
shave your beard.
31) The above rule does not apply if you have an ugly
face. If you have an ugly face then by
all means grow a big beard. Torn down
broads who are 5-15 years past their prime LOVE men with beards right now, so
why not ride that wave?
32) A gentleman
always makes the first move.
Immediately! Like first 5 minutes of the date. Catch her off guard. She’ll be happily surprised or slap you in
the face. The previous is a good sign
and the latter should end the date right there which will save you dinner
money, which is also good.
33) If you HAVE to smell your hand after you scratch your
balls… And you do. Please, for the love
of all that is Holy, be discrete about it.
34) Try not to swear all the time. You’re not a fucking dirt, bod. But sometimes the properly chosen curse word
can accentuate your point beautifully, and also let people know that you ain’t
no fucking goof either, bod.
35) A true gentleman should be well versed in the scientific
art of the dancefloor make out. This
usually requires a certain level of rhythm and strong grinding ability. Frequenting clubs and bars that still play
90’s Hip-Hop and RnB will aid in your journey, lil’ whoadie.
36) A gentleman never openly trashes a woman’s office. Instead he boldly and romantically sweeps
everything off of her desk and then he sweeps her off her feet and they
passionately make out on the desk. It is
an adventurous and intimate moment that you will both remember forever. Also, you got to trash her office on the
sly. Tee-hee.
37) Always offer your coat to a lady when she is cold. But
never accept anything less than a wristwatch for collateral.
Now that you have learned the ways of the Radly Gentlemen,
go forth and be a radly modern gentleman.
Written by Dr. Studley Von Hunkenhiem of the Hunkenhiem Foundation. AKA: Brittany Spears' Psoriasis
