Is He the Right Man for You?

"Please leave a voicemail" 

Finding Mr. right can be like searching for a piece of hay in a needle stack, in some cases a used hypodermic needle stack at that.  We’re not telling you anything you don’t know, ladies.  Guys are gross and trying to find one that is husband material is a full-time job that pays shit and offers little other rewards.  This is why most women end up marring a bum and spending the rest of their life trying to overcompensate by falsifying happiness to their friends and family on Facebook and Pinterest.  

Below are 5 red flags and bad behavior that men display that that are problematic to a relationship.  If you answer ‘yes’ to some or all of the below questions, then chances are you are wasting your time with someone who is not good for you and could be hindering your growth as a human being. 

You’d better break up with them now instead of prolonging the pain.  Tell him an internet quiz motivated you to end it, he’ll understand. 

1) Does he lead a double life?

Time was a man could lead a double life with a whole other house, wife and family no further than one county over from his original wife and family.  Thanks to the advent of the internet and radical sweeping cultural changes like women calling their husbands on their shit, this sort of thing has fizzled out in recent decades.  That doesn’t mean however that some ballsy modern day philanderers don’t still employ the practice of leading a double life unbeknownst to their significant other.  If you suspect your man is hanging his hat in another lady’s foyer then you’re in luck.  Back in olden times you’d have to follow him yourself or hire a private eye which was expensive and annoying because old timey private eyes were all barely functioning alcoholics who spoke too mater of factly to enjoy.  Now a days you can use hidden cameras, phone tracking technologies and the tight-knitted network of neighborhood snitches to catch your man in the act.  Once you have enough evidence to convict him in the court of your best friends’ opinions then don’t even wait for his sorry ass excuses, dump him immediately and move on, girlfriend. 

2) Does he body shame you on the regular?

If your man makes you ashamed of your body while constantly slamming donuts and beer into his fat cakehole, then maybe he isn’t the one you want to spend forever with.  You’d be amazed how many men make their women feel unsexy.  Some do it purposefully because they know they don’t deserve you so breaking down your self-esteem is the only way to trick you into thinking that you couldn’t do any better.  Other men do it by mistake.  Guys pick on each other, it is a sign of admiration among them.  If he makes the odd crack then give him the benefit of the doubt.  If his all-time nickname for you is “Fat bitch nasty gash” (or something along those lines) then kick his sorry ass to the curb and remind him that his hairy fat ass is a prize far from worth it. 

3) Is he a giant fucking spazz?

Long term relationships can be an exercise in attrition and it is only natural that over the years you’ll erode each other’s nerves.  The odd snap show is bound to happen from time to time on both sides. Communication can be misconstrued and one never knows when the reply to an innocent question will be full on nuclear attack targeted directly at your most venerable feelings and anxieties.  These things happen.  That’s love.  But if he loses his shit at you all-day-every-day over the tiniest thing then maybe he’s the one with the problem and not you.  You shouldn’t have to duck, dip, dodge and dive your way around flying dishes and furniture for simply asking him to pass the salt.  If asking him to please turn down the volume on his Minecraft game brings out glimpses of Ike Turner and Chris Brown then you’ve got yourself a fucking spazz boyfriend and you need to get the hell on before his incessant temper tantrums turn from pathetic to perilous. 

4) Does he love hookers?

If yes, then you may want to pump your breaks on jumping in to a common-law contractual obligation with this guy.  Your benefits provider at work may have some questions about your spouse’s multiple requests for reimbursements from the non-registered massage therapy appointments with “Golden Grip Gale” and “Two Hands Hannah”.  Some guys love hookers and something as trivial as a committed relationship sometimes just isn’t enough to stand in the way of that love for them.  Now that’s commitment.  Just, you know.  Not to you, to the prostitutes.  You don’t want to stand in the way of a love so pure.  Also, you don’t want to get V. D.  It’s like the old saying goes, ‘if he is truly yours and loves him some hookers, set him free.  Then change your number and address because you don’t want his dirty ass coming back with all them crabs.’  

5) Is he a junkie?

We all agree that some schedule 1 narcotics are cool, I tell kids that all the time. But some aren’t, and there is a difference between having a boyfriend who rolls perfect cone joints and having a boyfriend that needs your help hunting for a new wiener vein because his arms are more tracked out than a Drake auto-tune song.  Sure, edgy can be sexy, but strung out isn’t.  Take Kurt Cobain for instance.  On nicotine and caffeine, he had thousands of fans and groupies after him.  On heroin and suicide watch, he had Courtney Love.  Don’t be Courtney Love.  You’re better than Courtney Love.  Pretty much everyone is better than Courtney Love. Get your shit together and leave your druggie boyfriend.    

Written by Dr. Shawarma Turmeric AKA Trump's Spray Tan Technician