Five Lies You Can Still Tell at A Bar:
Impress Strangers
Using the Magic of Dishonesty!
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Now that you’ve had a peek in to this chaotic abyss that the rest of us simply call the 90’s and before; you can probably deduce that this ability to manipulate the truth could have served well to try and urge a young lady into some dancefloor dry-humping or the ultimate ‘night-out success story’, consensual vaginal intercourse, using your wiener or thumb (based on how much you drank).
Now I know what you’re thinking; “Sure, this all sounds well
and good once the time machine is invented and I can go back to ’94 to lie in a
lady’s ear over the banging bass and infectious rhythm of Reel 2 Reel, but how
does this help me now?” Well no need to
worry my skinny jeaned friend. I’ve
painstakingly and scientifically produced the following list of bullshit
stories that you can tell women in bars that will not only keep the space-time
continuum in check, but should also impress them just enough to pique their
interest in touching your trouser snake. Yet not enough to make them instantly brag to her
mother hen, nerd friend (who’s been glued to her iPhone since she got to the
bar) about the amazing Nobel Peace Prize/Heisman Trophy winning male model she
just met.
Without further ado here is the list:
*Editor’s note: The following lines to pick up women in bars
often work better if you’re not ugly, so whenever possible, try your best to
not be ugly, and if possible, be very physically attractive.
** Editor’s 2nd note: These lines could in theory
also help women pick up men in bars too, but let’s be honest. Men don’t need to be coaxed in to going home
with a stranger. Save yourself the time,
ladies and just ask him to come home.
Lie #1: I won a bronze medal at the last Commonwealth
Games.
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| I would have gone pro if I hadn't got in that drunk driving accident after the homecoming party at Ox's house. |
Pick the event based on your body-type, if
you’re a fat guy it was shot-put, if you’re lanky, high jump.
To a drunk girl at the club, Continental
class athleticism is a big turn on and something obscure like the Commonwealth Games
won’t lead her to think you’re some future football or hockey star with the
potential to make millions, thus she probably won’t care enough to google your
100m dash times. If she starts talking
noise about the next Olympics and asking if you’ll compete, just mumble
something about a bum knee and order another round of shots.
Lie #2: My grandfather started the March of Dimes.
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| Charity is in my blood, girl. |
This shows a strong lineage to charity and
helping others; girls dig that shit. If
she does call you on the fact that the March of Dimes was actually started by
President Franklin Roosevelt then tell her your gramps was a key member of his
cabinet. If she has extensive knowledge
of FDR’s cabinet and asks you what PopPops’ name was then bail. She is too smart for you and you don’t need
to put up with her crap, your grandpa’s an American hero god dammit!
Lie #3: I was in a bunch of Michelin Tire commercials as a
baby.
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| The director said I was the Brad Pitt of babies. |
This must mean that you were one hell of a cute baby. That will register with her on a primal level. If you WERE a cute baby then that means you are capable of putting an equally or even cuter baby inside of her! Whether she knows it or not, even the most anti-baby hardened bar-star broad can’t subconsciously ignore 200,000 years of biological evolution.
Lie #4: I was on an episode of ‘Mr. Dressup’. *(depending on
the era and region you are from this show may vary)
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| Casey and I rescued Finnegan from a dog fighting ring. |
Maybe it’s ‘Reading Rainbow’, maybe the girl
your targeting is a dime and you pull out the big guns and tell her you were on
‘Sesame Street’. Either way make sure
you have a cute anecdote ready to go about how cool Mr. Rogers was off screen
or how the puppeteer let you put your hand up Elmo’s ass. This will jog her sense of nostalgia and
she’ll think back to being a kid watching TV and thinking how cool it would be
to help Sam put his hat back on in ‘Today’s Special’. And you did that my friend, you did just
that. You Hocus Pocus Alimagocus’n sun-of-a-gun.
Lie #5: The off-duty man in a uniform.
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| You're under arrest for grand larceny for stealing my enlarged heart. |
Women still love a man in a uniform but let’s be
real, pretending to be an enlisted man shipping out to impending doom 1) got
played out in the early 20th century and 2) is some bullshit that
deserves a punch in the lips by a Marine.
Men & Women in the Armed Services volunteer at great personal risk and
sacrifice, so trying to cash in on their shine just to get laid is a colossal
dick move. Pretending to be a commercial
pilot, fireman, or cop however is fair game.
Hell, depending on the girl, postman or UPS delivery man could work just
as well. If you’re offended that cops
are on this list, don’t be. More than
half the cops you meet in your lifetime are dicks (anecdotal fact) and their
line of work doesn’t even rank in the top 10 of dangerous jobs in America
(actual fact). Fishermen, roofers and truck
drivers all have a way higher chance of being killed in the line of duty than
cops do so don’t feel bad about telling shawrty at the bar you just graduated from
the police academy in a fake Boston accent.
Writen by Bob Tanney AKA Dan Aykroyd's Ghost Blow Job Face:
