Division Winners, Wild Card and Super Bowl Picks!!!!
2020 NFL PREDICTIONS
BY: EVAN SLADE AKA NOSTRA
– GOD – DAMASS
 |
| Gaze into my crystal balls |
Finally, 2020 has given us something to look forward
to. The NFL season is upon us… We
think. In a year that has been like a
firehose of raw sewage directly down our collective gullet, we can at long last
take a deep breath and feel hopeful.
Hopeful that the season does indeed playout in full and that our
favorite team finally reaches the championship potential we always knew they
had. Or at the very least hopeful that
our 1st round fantasy pick doesn’t tear an ACL in week one and our
favorite grizzled veteran coordinator doesn’t die of Covid-19. You know, little miracles and such.
After successfully predicting last year’s Super Bowl Champions my readership (which consists exclusively of degenerate gamblers) has
pleaded with me to use my futurist ability again. Since I don’t want to let the dozens of fans
who keep this website afloat down, I have once again foregone the safety of my
soul and dove horns first back into the dark arts. I’ve dusted off the Book of Shadows, read the
entrails of countless owls and small woodland creatures, done shameful and lewd
things to and for my voodoo high priestess and I am now ready to open my third
brown eye and get my celestial prognostication on.
Now, before I show you my Occult O-face I must insist that
from here on out you refer to me only by my Swami name, Cyril Seer, AKA The
Whoreacle of Selfie, AKA Buba Vanga, AKA The BraHanded Seer, AKA I Pythia Fool,
AKA Miss Cleo’s only friend that still calls, AKA Badkid, AKA Monk Willing-and-Abel,
AKA The Zoltar Machine Genie who Made Little Tom Hanks Big, AKA Raspoutine.
Now take my hand as we begin… Wait, Purell that shit first,
there’s a pandemic on. Ok, let’s begin.
Division Winners:
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills
For the first time since Napster ruined the music industry
this division is seemingly up for grabs.
Sean McDermott has led the Bills to 2 playoff appearances in his 3 years
at the helm and this might just be the first year since 1995 that the Bills
notch themselves a division title. Their
defense was #2 in the league in scoring last season and their offense has
improved at the skills positions. If
Josh Allen can take the next step forward then the Bills should own this
relatively suspect division.
AFC West:
Kansas City Chiefs
The defending champs are still the cream of the crop in the
AFC West and have the vast majority of their Super Bowl starting roster
returning for another bite of the apple.
They have the best QB in football, are loaded with talent and speed at the
skill positions and have a defense and coaching staff with proven championship
pedigree. These things alone may not
automatically stamp a one-way ticket to Tampa and Super Bowl LV but they should
be good enough to win another title in a division where the closest competition
is the Las Vegas Raiders.
AFC North:
Baltimore Ravens
The Ravens should threepeat as division champs. They were a 14-win team last season and have
the reigning MVP under center. They
added stud rookie RB JK Dobbins to their dominate rushing attack and added some
beef to both lines with DJ Fluker on the O-line and Calais Campbell and Derek
Wolfe on their D-line. John Harbaugh is
one of the best coaches in the NFL and will use consecutive early playoff exits
as motivation to focus his players on the task at hand which is getting back to
the dance to prove to everyone that their previous growing pains was a
maturation process and not a choking trend that will keep them in divisional
round purgatory forever. The only way to
do that is to rattle off regular season wins and this team has the ability to
do enough of that to win the gritty AFC North again.
AFC South:
Tennessee Titans
The Titans were the AFC runner ups last season but they
haven’t won the AFC South Division since 2008.
They should ride the confidence of their stellar playoff run along with
the game plan of riding Derek Henry right to a division title this year. They financially took care of Ryan Tanahill
and Henry this offseason with lucrative re-signings which should add an air of
consistency to the locker-room. When an
owner believes in their coaching staff and the coaching staff believes in their
players it shows up in those types of deals and should in turn show up on the
field this season. AJ Brown had a great
rookie season with over 1000 receiving yards and looks poised to breakout as a
legit star wideout to complement their ‘pound the rock’ offensive attack. Their defense was middle of the road last
season statistically but they added some speed to the line with pass rushing
specialists Vic Beasley and Jadeveon Clowney.
If they can do their job then the overall defense should improve
also. Nothing helps out the back end of
a defense more than a dangerous pass rush.
Another trend in the Titans’ favor this season is the fact that (on
paper) both the Jaguars and the Texans took steps backwards and The Colts are
hanging their playoff hope on the awkwardly motioning arm of Philip ‘Old Man’
Rivers and the 20 interceptions he threw last year in LA.
NFC East:
Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys are once again chalked full of young talent on
both sides of the ball, now for the first time since 2006 they have a Head
Coach with his very own Super Bowl Ring.
Mike McCarthy has been to the mountain top and knows what it takes to
get there. Jerry Jones is hoping that
McCarthy will be able to harness the aptitude of his roster to not just get
them to the playoffs but actually win some games while they’re there. In order to do that they will have to win the
usually sorry ass NFC East. Almost
annually 9 wins spells a division title for the NFC East, the hard part is
guessing which team will amass those 9 or 10 wins needed to stamp their dance
card. The Giants are still rebuilding
and the Washington Whatever’s are still in demo mode, leaving the only real
competition the Eagles who won the division last year. This two-horse race will come down to the
wire as always but for Dallas the time is now.
It’s put up or shut up for the Cowboys, their superstars are entering (or
in) their prime and there are a lot of players with stars on their helmets that
need to justify gigantic contracts or earn them. Another 8-8 effort may leave an antsy Jerry
Jones feeling like he doesn’t have many more rebuilds left in him before
decrepitude sets in so he may as well start now.
There are no more excuses and the label of ‘underachievers’ can be
avoided with a division title in 2020.
NFC West:
Seattle Seahawks
This division is stacked and literally any team could win it
and it would hardly be a surprise. The
49ers were lights out last season but a Super Bowl hangover can hit a team
harder than a real hangover hits someone in their late 30s. Ask the LA Rams who may still have some residual
effects this season from last year’s SB hangover. The Seahawks don’t have the defense they once
did but Russell Wilson is primed to ascend into elite QB air and put up MVP
caliber numbers this season with arguably the best O-line he’s had and by far
the best receiving corps he’s ever had. The
Pete Carroll era won’t last forever but they should have another division title
in them.
NFC North:
Minnesota Vikings
I know the Packers were 13-3 last year and one game away
from the Super Bowl, but frankly it felt like a fluke. Teams weren’t expecting an Aaron Rodgers led
team to be a run first unit and it caught a lot of defenses off guard. Now that everyone knows that is what the Pack
are about, they will be ready for it and the days of Rodgers throwing 50 passes
a game and actually winning consistently are gone. Also, the way the 49ers steamrolled them in
the NFC title game felt like an exposé and Green Bay’s front office didn’t do
enough this offseason to plug those glairing holes. The Bears don’t have an offence and the Lions
don’t have a defense so the only other viable option to take the Black and Blue
division this season is the Vikings. Congrats
Minnesota.
NFC South:
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Why not? Tom Terrific
comes to town and it just starts raining division titles. That’s been the
reality in New England for 20 years so why should it be different in Tampa? This division will be a dog fight
though. The Saints have won it 3 years
in a row with a sterling record of 37-11 over that time and have a fire in
their bellies to win another Super Bowl before Drew Brees retires, stoked by 3
consecutive heart-wrenching losses in the playoffs. The Panthers are a long shot to make any
noise this year but the Falcons have enough talent on board make a run at the division also. The Bucs just seem to
have all the momentum coming in to the season, they are loaded with talent and
have the Tom Brady mystique boosting their confidence. If they can translate that into wins then
they should be able to stack enough W’s to keep pace with New Orleans and take
home the NFC South.
AFC Wildcard Teams:
New England Patriots
I know they lost a lot of starters from last year on defense
and #12 is gone but Bill Belichick is still there and both he and Cam Newton
will be playing/coaching with a chip on their shoulder this year. They have both achieved a lot in the NFL and
are trying to prove they still got it, both of these men have references. Like
Grand Puba says “Check the Resume”. Even
without Brady, I simply won’t believe that the Patriots are not a playoff team
until I see it with my own three eyes.
Pittsburg Steelers
Mike Tomlin head coached his ass off last year to get the
Steelers to 8-8. He navigated the loss
of key playmakers, numerous injuries and juggling backup QBs to keep the
Steelers at least relevant for most of the season. If Ben Roethlisberger is truly healthy this
year his presence should steady their offence enough to keep pace with their
opportunistic defense and win 9 or 10 games which should land them a #6
seed.
Houston Texans
That’s right, since the NFL just can’t leave well enough
alone there will be an extra wild card team in the playoffs because why not
water it down? There’s money to be had! The Texans will be the lucky team to
back themselves in to the post season with some sort of BS record barley above
500.
NFC Wildcard Teams:
New Orleans Saints
As mentioned above the Saints over the past 3 years have a
record of 37-11 and feel like they’ve been robbed in the playoffs three times
in a row. They are on a mission from God
to capture another Lombardi trophy before Brees retires and Coach Payton quits
or takes a record-breaking payday elsewhere.
They should still be a playoff caliber team this year and easily lock up
the #5 seed if they don’t edge out the Bucs for the division title.
LA Rams
The Rams are out to prove that they are still a playoff
level team and if this year’s playoff format was in place in 2019, they would
have been. They should improve on their
9-7 record from a year ago in 2020 and lock up one of the wildcard seeds.
Green Bay Packers
Although the Packers shouldn’t be good enough to repeat as
division champs they should at least be good enough to win 9 games and claim
Roger Goodell’s ‘money grab’ #7 seed.
Super Bowl Pick:
Kansas City Chiefs over New Orleans Saints
Winning back to back titles is a tall order, but in a year
that had a condensed training camp and no preseason, the team that is the most
comfortable with itself will be the favorite to win it all and that team is the
Chiefs. Personnel wise they didn’t take
any steps backwards and arguably even improved overall. Andy Reid finally got a taste of a
championship and will be hungry for more (not a fat joke), and Andy isn’t the
type to only have one chip and then put the bag away (definitely a fat joke). The Chiefs will win a shootout against the
Saints and cement Patrick Mahomes as the game’s current undisputed king and
cement Andy Reid’s spot in Canton. Rumor
has it the Hall of Fame is already collecting extra bronze for Reid’s bust
(also a fat joke albeit an inferior one… I’ll show myself out now).
You’ve now been shown the future. Wager your children’s future college funds
accordingly. Long live Jambi.
