Division Winners, Wild Card and Super Bowl Picks!!!!

2019 NFL PREDICTIONS

BY: EVAN SLADE AKA THIRD EYE PINK

I seen it!!

Its that magical time of year again, kids.  The NFL season is so close it isn’t just right around the corner, it’s already jumped out at us in the alley and is ready to mug us for all the cash in our wallet and even the emergency $20 we keep in our ankle-sock!  They must have been casing us for weeks, how’d they know it was there? And they knew the way we walk home?! 

               It’s an exciting and even frightening time.  The only thing standing between your favorite team and the Championship is 5 months of limitless possibilities and numerous unforeseen disasters all swirling around the infinite void that is the football season yet to be played.  Will this be the year everything clicks for your squad and a perfect storm of roster management, coaching and playmaking cause a championship lightning strike for your team?  Or the year your QB goes down in week 1, your star player decides to hold out or retire and the coach gets fired in week 10?  No one knows!! It hasn’t happened yet.  That shit has yet to playout in whatever timeline, multiverse or simulation we are currently living in. We know how you feel.  You want to be hopeful and trust the best will unfold, but all the while you expect the sky itself to crumble down on your head.  It’s scary to not know. 

               But that’s why we are here. To shine light on the darkness through celestial prognostications.  By summoning the power of my third eye and combining it with my decades of black magic training and my fanatical devotion to my occultist masters who taught me all the knowledge of the hidden, I have been given the gift to see the future.  Plus, I have 3 Precognitives chilling in my hot tub at home, just telling me all sorts of future stuff.  I am here to share my gifts with you and give you the answers you seek. And also to let you know that third eye pink eye isn’t as itchy as regular pink eye, but it is way more crusty in the mornings. Way more.

So now that you know that, lets look into the witches’ bad eye together and see what future awaits us this NFL season. 

Katie, get the rabbit entrails, we’ve got some guessing to do.  

Division Winners:

AFC East:

New England Patriots

This is as close to a gimme as you can get in sports.  The Patriots have won this division 16 of the past 18 years and that’s not to mention the 6 Lombardi trophies and 9 conference championships they’ve won in that same span.  Until Brady, Belichick or both decide to retire, you’re stupid to bet against them continuing to own the AFC East.

AFC West:

Kansas City Chiefs

This division is one of the most stacked in the NFL but I am picking the Chiefs to repeat as division champs.  The Broncos still have a championship calibre defense and although 2019 Joe Flacco may not be as good as 2012 Joe Flacco, he’s damn sure better than 2018 Case Keenum.  The Chargers were 12-4 last year (same record at the Chiefs) and despite some injury and hold out issues in training camp, they are chomping at the bit to get Rivers to a Super Bowl before he retires. The Raiders are still the Raiders but they did make enough splashy offseason moves to be a dark horse playoff contender.  Still, the Chiefs just have way too much firepower on offense and a defense that in contrast of common perception can get the job done.  Sure, they gave up a ridiculous amount of yardage last year but they also made a lot of big plays of their own, leading the league in sacks with 52 (tied for 1^st with Pittsburgh) and finishing tied for 8^th in the league in takeaways with 27.  The Chiefs have a Super Bowl or bust mentality this season and winning the AFC West is a crucial turnpike on that journey. 

AFC North:

Pittsburgh Steelers

Sure, their offense may not be what it used to be with 2 of the 3 “Killer B’s” (Brown and Bell) no longer there, but Big Ben can put up points with the weapons they still have and look for their defense to be scary this year.  They won 9 ½ games last year (9-6-1) with a ton of off-field distractions.  Now that the circus has left town, they should be able to win at least 10, and 10 games is all you ever need to win the AFC North.

AFC South:

Ugh, do we even have to pick a winner here? Ok, fine.  The Jacksonville Jaguars.

Their defense had a good preseason and looked more like the monster unit they were in 2017 than the junk squad they were in 2018.  If that holds up and Nick Foles and a healthy Leonard Fournette can bring some stability to the offense then sure, the Jags are capable of winning this goat rodeo of a division. 

The Texans have the talent on paper but it will be week 4 before all their new acquisitions learn their teammates names let alone the full playbook.

NFC East:

Philadelphia Eagles

Yes, this division has a lot of history and Super Bowl pedigree but if you look back over the past decade it is rare for a team to need more than 9 or 10 wins to sew it up.  The Eagles have the best chance of reaching that threshold this season.  Carson Wentz SHOULD be healthy and Doug Pederson SHOULD have learned his lesion about running the ball more this year and the Eagles do have the easiest strength of schedule in the division. If all the ‘shoulds’ line up for Philly then it won’t be in question all season but if they hit any major injury bumps in the road then look for Dallas to take it.  The NFC Least is a two-horse race again this season. 

NFC West:

LA Rams

The best cure for a Super Bowl hangover is talent, and the Rams have it all over the field, and they have a coach that knows how to get the most out of it.  Look for the Rams to outpace the Seahawks in the race for the NFC West.

NFC North:

Minnesota Vikings

This division is one of the toughest to call, the Bears, Packers and Vikings are all being touted equally as likely division champs among NFL experts.  The Bears are the defending NFC North champs but to me they had the aura last year of a team playing over their heads fueled by a great defense and a plucky but well below average offense.  That’s not a recipe for consistency.  Unless Trubisky and his uninspiring wide receiver unit take a huge step forward then the Bears will regress in 2019, (oh and not just a regular step forward, but like a two-or-three-stairs-at-a-time type of step that a really tall man would take when he’s in a hurry).  The Packers are still dealing with a roster riddled with holes from years of front office neglect and although Aaron Rodgers is an all time great and only threw a mystifyingly low 2 interceptions last year, the rest of his play statistically over the last two seasons has gone from oft-injured to below average at best.  Don’t believe me? last year he started all 16 games and threw a paltry 25 TDs, the same amount as, you guessed it, young mediocre Mitch Trubisky.  If Trubisky isn’t good enough to compel a good team to another division crown this year, then Aaron Rodgers putting up the same numbers isn’t good enough to lead a bad team to one.  Plus, they have a rookie head coach who’s greener than Lambeau Field and also *kind of looks like Mac from It’s Always Sunny*.  The Vikings on the other hand have a very good Defense piloted by a great defensive minded head coach and their offence looks locked and loaded with a top flight WR corps and an X-factor all purpose RB named Dalvin Cook whose finally healthy and ready take the load off of Kirk Cousins and (literally) run with it.   

*Mac

*Matt

NFC South:

New Orleans Saints

This division is usually a merry go round of division winners but the Saints have been a consistent Super Bowl contender of late and after suffering two heart wrenching playoff losses the past two years you can expect them to be all business this regular season and stack W’s early and often. 

AFC Wild Card Teams:

Cleveland Browns 

John Dorsey is building something there in Cleveland and they simply have too much young talent to hold down forever.  Browns fans should finally find some fruit this year on their long barren playoff tree.

Denver Broncos

I really wanted to put the Chargers here but that Derwin James injury is going to loom huge in LA.  The Broncos Defense is downright dangerous and Vic Fangio is the man you want wielding that weapon.  

NFC Wild Card Teams:

Atlanta Falcons 

They’re defense was ravaged by injuries last year.  If they can stave off the same injury bug this year then that ultra athletic defense should help get the Falcons back to the playoffs.

Dallas Cowboys 

Now that the whole Zeek thing is worked out their offense should be just as good as it was at the tail end of last season.  Prescott, Zeek and Cooper may not be Aikman, Emmit and Irvin but they are all gamers and they’re good enough to steer the ship back to the postseason.  Even more importantly, this Cowboys young defense should impress all season long and establish themselves as one of the better units in the NFC.

Super Bowl Pick:

Kansas City Chiefs Over Minnesota Vikings:

 That’s right, it’s a rematch of Super Bowl IV and the outcome is going to be the same.  The Chiefs are going to avenge their 2018 overtime AFC Championship game loss the Patriots to get to the Super Bowl and then capture the club’s 2^nd ever Lombardi Trophy and first one in 50 years. The Vikings will put up a good fight after a great season but when the dust settles, this season belongs to Patrick Mahomes and Andy Reid who will finally and deservingly get that elusive championship ring as a head coach.