Holmes on Rebuilds
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| Which one of you is Frasier and which one is Niles? |
Hola amigos, it’s your main hombre Pico The Guy, Yo! Here to walk you through each NFL division’s
rebuilding projects. I’ve been in the
construction business ever since I was a little, pequeño muchacho and I’ve seen
every type of rebuild there is from slight renovation all the way to full blown
demolition and rebuild from the foundation up.
Let’s just say that this Holmes knows homes, you feel me, esé?
Now that a couple weeks are in the books, the offseason optimism
is starting to dissipate and reality is setting in for the teams that, like it
or not, are in rebuilding mode.
Don’t get all huffy and be a hater if you see your team on
this list. Some rebuilding projects can
get their shit together faster than others. There is still a lot of football to
be played, so just because your squad is a mess right now doesn’t mean they
can’t rally and make the playoffs, it’s just going to take a lot of work and
some lucky breaks along the way.
Now that y’all comprende where I’m coming from, vamonos and
get right into this without any further ado.
AFC East:
Buffalo Bills
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| "Look out, Rook!" |
This team has been in perpetual rebuild since the Marv Levy
era. On the bright side they broke the
Doug Flutie curse last year when they miraculously made the playoffs after an
18-year drought. So, what did the
masterminds in charge of the organization do after finally showing signs of
growth following nearly decades of ineptitude?
They stayed the course and added key pieces around the building blocks
they had in place… Just kidding, this is Buffalo. They blew it the fuck up,
holmes. These vatos did what every 1st
and 2nd year coach and GM combo seem to do in today’s NFL, they have
a fire sale and trade and release errrybody to stockpile draft picks and bring
in their ‘own guys’ via free agency, because they think the previous GM/Coach
combo were drooling idiotas who couldn’t tie their own shoe laces let alone
field a legit football team. Who cares
that we made the playoffs last year, that was purely due to coaching genius and
had nothing to do with the players on the field, ya duh!
If these maniquíes were my foreman I would be walking off
the jobsite and never coming back, esé. Straight
Ritchie Incognito that shit, holmes. “I’m retired, mang!” But I digress, esé. My point is, to put it in real estate terms,
last year Buffalo was invested in a fairly modern bungalow in a great part of
town that with some touchups and a little sweat equity could have turned into a
really special home. But instead of
sticking with it they sold and invested in a pre-build in a sketchy part of
town that developers are trying to gentrify.
Sure, it could be a good investment years from now, or maybe the bums
and junkies simply don’t ever leave no matter how many Starbucks and loser
hipster taco joints they open in the neighborhood. Even if it does work out in the long run,
this coach and GM likely won’t be around to enjoy it. Their first-round pick at QB, Josh Allen has
‘gift from God’ type of cannon arm, but decision making, accuracy and touch are
more important in the NFL than being able to loft the ball 75 yards instead of
67 yards like the rest of the league’s passers.
Those skills also take longer to learn and a lot of big armed prospects
in the past never got them at all. Their
2nd first-round pick this draft was young blood stud linebacker Tremaine
Edmunds, but although he possesses freak athleticism, he was just 19 years old
at the time of the draft. That is
awfully young to be thrusted into the grown-ass man’s world that is the
NFL. Sure, time will tell if these picks
pan out, but after the fan base got to taste a heel of playoff bread after
years of starvation, time is one thing Sean McDermott and his GM likely won’t
have.
AFC West:
Oakland Raiders
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| "I don't know what I was doing either." |
Jon Gruden and Co. laid their rebuilding cards on the table
the moment they traded away perennial All-Pro LB Khalil Mack to the Bears for
couple of future first round picks. I
get it. Gruden signed a 10-year, one-hundred-million-dollar contract this
offseason to come back to the Raiders, they are moving from Oakland to Las
Vegas in a couple seasons, not winning out of the gate isn’t going to cost him
his job and even if it did, screw it, he signed a ONE-HUNDRED-MILLION-DOLLAR
CONTRACT, holms, talk about a golden parachute.
This project still has some major building blocks put in place by the
last landlords and isn’t a complete lost cause.
Derek Carr has proven he can play at a high level, so has Amari Cooper
and Marshawn Lynch can still beast out, consistency and defensive playmakers
are what this team is lacking. If they
were in another division those flaws could maybe be overcame, but in the tough
AFC West I am afraid the Raiders fans will be wearing hardhats and orange vests
for a couple seasons at least before the product on the field looks at all like
the blueprints Gruden has in mind.
AFC North:
Pittsburgh Steelers
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| "Dafuq You Thinking, man?" |
Sure, the easy choice here is Cleveland Browns, they haven’t
been to the playoffs in 16 years. But
after going 2-32-1 over the past 3 seasons (thus far) the Browns are less of a
rebuilding jobsite and more of an abandon parking lot where drunkards defecate,
and wayward addicts shoot up (but congrats on your first win since the Obama
administration, Cleveland). So instead of
diving down that rabies infested rabbit hole we are going to look at
one of the fanciest renovation projects in the league, the Pittsburgh Steelers.
The folks in Pittsburgh are going to
disagree with me on this one but actual medical facts prove that disagreeing
with people from Pittsburgh about stuff is the best way to demonstrate that
your mental capacity is fully working and your grasp on reality is intact.
This team has been a legit contender for a very long time
and still have a lot of the same cornerstones in place. The problem is those stones are aging and
cracking before our very eyes. The Le'Veon Bell hold out is a complete mess and as much as I am happy to see James
Conner succeed in the NFL, he is no Lev Bell and never will be. Their 2018 defense has given up 63 total points
in two games against the Cleveland Browns in week one and a noob QB with 3
starts to his name in week 2. This isn’t
your big brother’s Steelers' defense. The
LeBeau’s, Harrison’s and Polamalu’s are gone, and the Steelers have done a poor
job replacing them. The only defensive
player of that talent level they’ve drafted in the past 5 years was Ryan Shazier
and God Bless him, he’s currently fighting a more important battle than going
to Tampa Bay this week to play the suddenly high-powered Bucs’ offense.
The final sign of the no es bueno apocalypse happening in
Pittsburgh right now is the drizzling shit storm surrounding star wide out Antonio
Brown whose greatest traits have always been consistency and not acting like a
diva wide receiver. This past week he’s,
you guessed it, been acting like a total diva wide receiver. Arguing with coaches on the sideline,
tweeting out “Trade me” on social media and not showing up to work on Monday. If Mike Tomlin get his troops back in line
and curb all the off-field tom-fuckery then this team is still good enough to make
the playoffs, but if not then look for the Ravens or Bengals to be the new big
dog in the AFC North Yard this year and likely beyond.
AFC South:
Indianapolis Colts
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| Bad Luck |
This whole Got-Damn division seems to be in upheaval aside
from the finally relevant and legitimate Jacksonville Jaguars. However, we had to pick one team, so the
Colts are the lucky winner
Speaking of luck, Andrew Luck seems to at long last be healthy
which is the load bearing wall this project needed to get back on track, but
the weapons around him are suspect on offense (O-line included) and the defense
is nowhere near championship caliber. TY
Hilton is the only consistent weapon this team has offensively outside of Luck
and no one seems to want to step up and be that extra threat this team
needs. So far this young season the
Colts have lost to what looks like a good Bengals team and beaten what looks
like a mediocre Redskins team. It looks
like that will be their M. O. for much of the year and they’ve got 7-9 or 8-8
written all over them, or as I like to call it, the Jeff Fischer special. Until some playmakers start showing up on
both sides of the ball this team will be in limbo, Luck or no.
NY Giants
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| Just a bit outside. |
Cállate chico! This one is a surprise to me because the
first two weeks of the season for the Giants have been counterintuitive to all
the moves they made this offseason. They
inked the newly healthy Odell Beckham to a long-term deal, they signed big time
free agent left tackle Nate Solder away from the Patriots, they signed a new
starting right guard Patrick Omameh, signed Alec Ogletree to bolster their
linebacking corps, drafted Saquon Barkley, the best-looking RB prospect since
Adrian Peterson. On paper it looked like
this squad was going to be loaded for bear.
Sterling Shepard is entering his - usually WR enlightening - 3rd
season, Evan Engram is ready to break out as one of the best TE’s in the
league. But so far after 2 games,
bubkis. The Giants have lost two ugly
contests to the Jags and division foe (and mediocre looking at best) Dallas
Cowboys. All of their playmakers have been kept in check, Eli Manning has been
getting beaten like a bad kid in the 1950’s thanks to the O-line playing more
like pilons and turn-styles than tackles and guards. Manning has been sacked 8 times in two
games. If that pace keeps up he’ll get
sacked 64 times by season’s end. The
crappy O-line play has led to Eli playing like a washed-up bum which is causing
the 2 Lombardi Trophies worth of good will he’s built up with the New York
media to fade away faster than a dog fart in a windstorm. If Pat
Shurmur can’t figure out how to get this project back in stride then his head
coaching tenure with the NY Giants won’t last any longer than his predecessor,
Ben “I look like a career assistant manager at Champs Sports in the mall”
McAdoo.
NFC West:
Seattle Seahawks
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| Whoops! |
Yes, the Cardinals are just breaking ground on a major
rebuild also, but they had zero expectations coming in to this season, their
head coach and starting QB both retired at the end of last season. This team will still be rebuilding next year
at this time, so we can write about them then.
For now, let’s look at the Seahawks. Now look away, esé! You don’t want to hurt your eyes by staring
into the flames of a dumpster fire for too long, holmes. If you thought the Giant’s had O-line
problems, wait until you get a load of the Seahawks' tubby gordos. Russell Wilson has been sacked a league high
12 times in two games! That’s
ridiculous, bro. The pressure is leading to Wilson trying to do too much and
making rookie mistakes and turnovers.
He’s not getting much help from his coordinator either. The Seahawks
have run the ball just 38 times so far this year, that number includes QB
scrambles. Compare that to 81 pass
attempts and something just doesn’t compute.
This type of chuck n’ duck play calling would make sense if they were
getting blown out all season but both of the Seahawks’ losses were one score
games. OC Brian Schottenheimer straight
up abandoned the run faster than a deadbeat dad who’s too busy racing his Trans
AM and smoking darts to raise a family abandons his kid. Speaking of dads, Brian Schottenheimer should
take a note out of his dad’s playbook and start playing a little Marty-ball and
run the damn rock. The Hawks rebuild
isn’t a complete demo operation just yet.
Their defense still has talent albeit they’re a far cry from the Legion
of Boom squad that took them to back to back Super Bowls. Pete Carroll is still a great coach and may
be able to pull this bird out of its nosedive but the hard truth for the soft
hipster Seattle fans of the Pacific North West is that the Super Bowl window
for the Carroll & Wilson led Seahawks was slammed closed and permanently painted
shut the second Malcolm Butler made that interception on 2nd and
goal.
Detroit Lions
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| Well, fuck. |
Detroit doesn’t just need a rebuild, they need another
bailout, esé. As much as the Detroit
Lions like to flirt with the idea of being good every few years, they’re still
the Detroit Lions and the random wildcard birth (and subsequent loss) they throw
their fans every few seasons recently shouldn’t distract you from the fact that
the Lions have not won a division title since they won the NFC Central in
1993. They haven’t won a playoff game
since 91’!
For those who thought Matt Patricia was the answer, it
appears not. In the defensive guru’s
first two games as a head coach his Lions have given up 78 points. To the Jets and 49ers! The average NFL fan couldn’t name a single
offensive skill player from either of those teams with a loaded Uzi pointed at
their head. Patricia will have some
leeway to try and right the ship but with this franchises track record, Lions’
fans shouldn’t go booking Super Bowl tickets anytime soon.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
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| This pic again. |
I know what you’re thinking, holmes, how can a team that is
2-0 and has the 2nd highest scoring offense in the league be
rebuilding? Well, the season is still
young and for the Bucs it will end one of two ways. 1) Ryan Fitzpatrick
continues throwing for 400 yards and 4 TDs every week and they make a deep
playoff run and are the darlings of the 2018 season, or 2) he eventually comes
back down to Earth and the whole should they or shouldn’t they give the keys to
the offense back to Jameis Winston narrative takes hold and creates turmoil for
the team, as QB controversies usually do, then amidst the ciaos the team
finishes at .500 or below and misses the playoffs altogether in a stacked
division. My pesos are on número dos
vato. Even if best case scenario #1
happens that still leaves the Bucs in a pickle next offseason, do they pay starting
QB money to the 35-year-old journeyman Fitzpatrick? Give Winston another shot at being a grown-up
NFL franchise quarterback? Or pull the plug
on that project altogether and get back in the market for a QB of the
future? Sounds like a rebuild to
me.
